Mixed-Orientation Relationships
Get help navigating your asexual-allosexual relationship in Plano, TX.
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Asexual-Allosexual
3 Reasons for Mixed Orientation Relationships
Very Few Aces
Asexuals only make up 1.7% of the population so it can be really hard to find one to date (nevermind compatibility).
You Didn’t Know You Were Ace
A lot of asexuals over age 30 didn’t know asexuality was a thing and simply followed what an allosexual society expected.
You’re Still Figuring it Out
It can take time to figure out your sexual orientation. Sometimes it’s obvious, but with asexuality, it may not be.
Sage Finch Counseling
Navigating Mixed Orientation Relationships
(A significant relational challenge)
How Did This Happen?
Mixed-orientation relationships are extremely common among asexual people. You may find yourself in a mixed-orientation relationship or marriage because:
1. You didn’t know asexuality was a thing when you got married (or into your current relationship).
2. Your Ace, but can’t find other Aces, so if you want a relationship, it has to be with an allosexual person.
3. You’re still figuring out your sexual orientation.
All of these reasons are valid. Most of the Ace community is either single or in a mixed-orientation relationship with an allosexual.
Some mixed-orientation relationships work while others do not. We can explore these issues together, with LGBTQ+ informed therapy in Plano, Texas.
Impact of Living in an Allosexual Society
Growing up in an allosexual and heteronormative society can significantly impact people on the asexuality spectrum. You probably grew up with the expectation that you would be attracted to someone of the opposite gender, get married, and have kids. That’s the path that society expects, and it’s reinforced throughout our lives by family, friends, schools, religious institutions, and others.
You may have followed the path that society expected. This expectation is even more unlikely if you also grew up in a religious environment. If you wanted a romantic connection or a family, you had to get married, right?
But what happens when you follow this path but it turns out something isn’t right? Maybe you’re married but hate sex (sex-repulsed). Or maybe you don’t need it, but you’re happy to help your significant other (sex neutral). Or maybe you like sex but just don’t feel sexual attraction (sex-positive).
All of these can impact your relationship, especially if you are sex-repulsed but your allosexual partner needs sex. Plano LGBTQ+ therapy can help explore these challenges.
Romantic vs. Sexual Attraction
Although most asexual individuals do not experience (or rarely experience) sexual attraction, they often experience other types of attraction, including, among others, romantic attraction.
Romantic attraction can exist separately from sexual attraction. The common forms of romantic attraction include:
- Aromantic (Aro): Not experiencing romantic attraction.
- Biromantic: Experiences romantic attraction to male and female genders.
- Heteromantic: Experiences romantic attraction only to “opposite” gender.
- Homoromantic: Experiences romantic attraction to the same gender.
- Panromantic: Experiences romantic attraction to all genders.
Aces may want a variety of intimate, emotional, and physical aspects of a relationship but may or may not be interested in or willing to participate in sexual activities. Asexual therapy can help with relationship challenges.
Types of Mixed-Orientation Relationships
Stray-Gay/Bi/Pan Relationships
Mixed orientation marriages generally refer to a straight person who is married to a gay, lesbian, or bisexual person. Often, the non-straight partner is not out, and the revelation can cause tremendous stress within the relationship.
Asexual-Allosexual Relationships
However, mixed-orientation marriages can also be between an asexual person and any allosexual person (gay, straight, bi, pan, etc.). Because asexuality is not well known, the asexual partner can be blamed and treated as if there is something wrong with them that needs to be cured. Asexuality is a valid sexual orientation, and distress within a mixed-orientation relationship involving an asexual person needs to be with great care.
What Do You Do Now?
Aces in a relationship or married to allosexuals often need to navigate issues related to intimacy. This requires open and honest communication about each person’s needs and desires. This discussion can include the physical and emotional intimacy each partner is comfortable with and finding ways to meet each other’s needs without betraying yourself.
Some relationships won’t work because of this issue. It depends on the people involved, and it’s not uncommon for Aces to be in ethical non-monogamous relationships.
Ultimately, the success of mixed-orientation relationships and marriages will depend on the unique circumstances of each relationship and the ability of both partners to navigate challenges and find ways to support each other.
Issues that cannot be resolved are best worked through with a therapist who understands asexuality and mixed-orientation relationships.
Need help finding an Asexual-Affirming therapist?
Check out our guide to Finding an Asexual-Affirming Therapist to learn why it is important to find a therapist who knows about asexuality, what they can help with, screening questions to ask, and more!
COLLIN COUNTY TEXAS
Take the First Step
Frisco LGBTQ+ therapy: Your safe space for healing and growth in Frisco, Texas.
We see clients in-person and online from our Plano, Texas office. Most of our clients come from Collin County and surrounding areas:
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Request a Free 15-Minute Consultation
* By clicking Submit, you permit us to contact you by email, phone, or text. Don’t worry – we won’t send you junk. It’s just to schedule a consultation and see if we can help you!